well I thought it was about time a ran a little update onto journal. Life has been busy and the usual rollercoaster. I have actually been keeping a low profile as there have been stresses and strains that I would rather put to bed and live and let live happy days than share sad ones.
Sooooooo I am settled into the Bocking place and am generally skint and chasing my tail to get ahead with my finances.Doesnt ever seem to be like I am going to even get a wee nibble on my nubbin of a waggy and am destined to be tight on the purse forever more but rich in peace and simple things.
Jobs I am doing now are...not interior design as am not very  socially suited to pretentious minded clients with too much dollar to get plumper cushions to sit their fat assses on.have had  a go at learning to sew tho' through my boss who remains a lovely pal. so er the now is support worker for people at mencap college with learning difficulties/loving that 2 days a week...plus cleaner come 1 day per week plus adhoc gardener and support worker at another school on emergency call(which I do not like as much as sustained a charming blow to the head by an autistic 14 year old and saw stars /bless him the little ...hmmmmmm. the culmination in all my random [nut]job hopping is varied stimulation and people...plus enables me to do what I want when I want.Which is not too committed and I am soul searching and realising I need to get back on a social studies degree to qualify for a more senior position in the support work..poss teaching.
I have been tirelessly studying the bible..and conclude Jesus did not die on the cross but a stake...Why do people worship the cross? It is also a bit sinister .  And am the grinch this xmas as am not celebrating what is just a commercial riff raff as evidently Christ was born goodness knows when..prob November if not before.All I desire is the facts and am discovering them slowly but surely and what a brilliant whitewash the Romans have done done to the bibles facts and transcriptions.I for one am far from perfect and have looked at the original greek and Hebrew scriptures and for me the jigsaw puzzle of why there is so much hypocrasy and worldly mess is sussed. 
i will put the lid on my box there as knowledge is power and only a power unto your own understanding and journey if another has not travelled there. 
i feel very insular and solo at the moment. I feel good and happy...yet dislike this earth. I hate the wars the hidden terrors that some people are suffering. Peoples pain taunts me like a ghostly echo and I want to lift people up and hold them and protect them from being hurt anymore.I feel ignorant in my luxury of good food,beautiful children ,material gains....arrrrrrrrrrr I want to crawl in a little corner of the earth with likeminded peaceable souls and shelter from the superficial blinkardness.nooooo i have not gone mad.I have always been this way.i cant express my angst in words in paintings or in my moods. i will suceed one day i am sure one way or anothe...maybe by just concurring this life and being the best person i can be in it and to know that i truely had love for others for no gain.
i just slapped myself with a wet kipper and am going to write this when i am not so melodramatic
x  

Current Mood: contemplative

Its sooo cool .moving Tuesday. I have just 2 days to get my ass into gear and fill the boxes with  all my wares. Thanx guys for your loving comments. I am not letting all the crap penetrate my lid at the moment. Have lots  to do so its a good distraction.
I am ashamed to admit ( think its because of my nocturnal tendancies) That I am watching bigbrother with routine interest.Just lovin it..these farcicle mismatched people building up tension..I am so sucked into the observtion of bitching and backstabbing...its like a human zoo. It would be good if we could go and throw them food over the walls and they had to have feeding times from the public.bigbother could supply it so it wasnt poisened!!nice
I am suffering serious joint pain.self inflicted...was on some monkey bars in a pub garden/erm..enough said
now i really should be sorting out my utility accounts right now and then doing something ...like not staring at boxes.

brother and sister/now that sounds holy...i will be seein yous soon. have some time out in the summer so will liaise further about dates once the Bocking dust has settled
Laters
xxxxxx
 

What a day. Am head spinning so am writing some tension off on the blank page as there is not an understanding person that I can talk to right now. Firstly a very sympathetic condolence to Franny and Chris.Poor little Foxie their eldest and first dog had to be put to sleep,and this is heartbreaking for them .My absolute gratitude in the irony of getting up early when I went to stay with them to walk with the dogs is now a fond little memory.It really goes to show you need to Carpe Diem as you never know whats round the corner and I got to see the lovely character of foxie and what he ment to his owners.So so sorry for you guys. chin up.that was the happiest dog in his old days of ill health..the work you put in really showed.xxx
now today I was told that my wicked ex from the north of chelmsford has nastily managed to infiltrate my circle of trust and sleep with my best mates friend and neighbour. Now this is all going to sound very eastenders saga like and something I really want to bury deep in an apropriate place but I am rather perplexed to want for a better word. 
Fortunately i had the sense to finish with paul after 10 years of him making my life a misery. I dont suffer fools gladly and am well shot and feeling peaceful.paul has been a bunny boiler since the split and hell bent on trying to fight me from getting any money out of our house at all/amounting to thousands to solicitors and telling people lies and malicious presumption to try and fuel any angst possible. Well the final straw was today when he told me he was seeing this person/who admittedly I think is a bucket anyway..so thats beside the point.What is the point is my best friend has been asked to lie for this woman to me as she knows all my personal life because of us having a mutual friend.And at the end of the day my kids play with her son and it is all very much massively a no no she should not have gone there. 
i feel furious as I think paul is such a nut job that he is seeing this woman to try and source information about my life and the life of my best friend who he often suggested I was batting on the other side with..rather than accepting he himself was a warped paranoid control freak.
its a good plan and what goes around comes around. paul now knows about the ins and outs of my life but its all pretty simple and boring. but i still feel violated.At the end of the day paul has been through my dirty laundry looking for signs of other men..and I was never ever unfaithful. Thankfully I have a bit more self preservation to be worried what he thinks but I just dont like my life being broadcasted. 
Its really too unexciting. as my buddies know I am sooo lookin forward to vfestival...and great my friend has got a ticket for the bucket as well as me..oh well.I am a sprightly 31 and she is a 42 year old who flashes her bits more than brittanny spears.classy. 
Get me away from this world of warped mingers and desperate retards.
i really dont care what people do..dont get me wrong..but I dont like people violating levels of respect which i always give. I have morals and honesty. I am not interested in male attention..but am on the quest for love.yer the real thing.
Sooo i will endevour to rise above the seedy poisonous ways of others and know that the anxietys of the heart are not going to gain me any more life ,but positive direction will save me.  
On a positive note.i am moving tuesday at last.Hurrah.booked the removal.So peace will prevail.have my girls my friends/even if theirs are dirtboxes haha..and my faith. We live in a world of terror horror and imperfection.i think its best to set a better example and err in the side of caution to a side you want to be on. i trust the creator as my judge so hope by my conduct I will set a fine example for my girls in how to be happy and avoid the kind of people I am trying too.  
now i must turn to this page next time on a happy note
by for now xxx

Unbelievable
I should have got an early night in as I now regret not doing so.
Was awoken from the deepest sleep at 6.30 a.m....this is illegal in my house..by the tiniest voice 'mummy I have got sick in my hair' and like a bolt of lightening my eyes were unstuck (and let me tell you they were rather misty/squinted)  to this vision of small lily person looking very sad and sodden with those kinda carrot things that always appear in sick..even tho you may have never eaten a carrot for the last month(I think they are bits of stomach lining in fact just to grose you out.Have you ever noticed that when you puke there is always carrots in it..well if not be interested to know that amid the pile of foamy alcohol or poisoned food produce they are not carrots coming from some chamber of lost carrots in the gut.
So today started early again but I don't mind as had a day of work and did some catching up physically and mentally.
Cleaned my head and cleaned my toilets. Both useless if not regularly refreshed
Think the sleep deprivation is sending my metaphoric ability warped so will leave the page accordingly
tara x

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: To Build a Home , The Cinematic Orchestra Ma Fleur Electronic The Cinemati

After a busy week with all work and no play I have managed at long last to visit my sis Fran and hubby Chris and catch up on a long long stint of unnecessary void in communication. I left Chelmsford at  7.45/was intending to leave at  6 but thats pretty much about as good with time as I will ever be. Arrived at Outwell around 9.15,which may I explain this journey should take a couple of hours if you do not drive at 120mph on a death wish a third of the way. 
Outwell is rural Norfolk village. It is quaint and quirky with a canal which runs through the centre.Lovely stuff.Plenty of nothing to do for the material minded erk..so didnt see nor hear sound of any...chatted with Fran till the wee small hours of the morning..and after falling asleep at 3.30 a.m the howling of 4 resident dogs wanting their morning walkies was an interesting alarm clock I was not sure I actually wanted . After a pretty frank "no thanks I would definately like to stay in bed for a couple more hours " to Fran who appeared in wellies etc like Mr.ben coming out of a cupboard at the foot of my bed raring to go...I lay contemplatively foggy eyed thinking I am not gonna get back to sleep now ...so miraculously found myself willingly joining the pack for a 2 hr walk around fields and trek. Definitely not something I would normally volunteer without a reason like having an early flight to catch..would then need a large double dose of caffeine and would usually have just stayed up all night.  This all sounds rather dramatic,but I am serious .Sundays are not for heavy activity in my mind and yay I loved the blast of fresh air that dusted of the cobwebs and would highly recommend just getting a good nights kip before hand if your going to do such a thing.I am amazed Fran does this religiously every day.
So all in all a really nice day with a juicy carvery and an iccle shandy...putting the world to rights we will be doing that again soon I hope. 
Now I have to visit me bro and somehow I dont feel he will be the type to be the early bird that catches the worm kinda fella.
Hopefully this week I will find out a move date. This blog could get a bit demented and abusive as my head explodes if not.
Have a new bunny I bought on a whim saturday called Punky.And yes I take blame for the name .He looks like a punk..and when I get his piercing done and the graffiti on the hutch it will be more fitting with the look.
keep cool all
xx  

Current Mood: accomplished

Right ..here I go. This little post is for you Pauly. You had better be pleased I am doing it as my days are soooo manic lately that one ends into the early hours of another one starting, before my exploding head touches the pillow. Also when it does I have usually drunk too much caffiene to switch off and lay muttering and mumbling with red glowing eyes and a belly full of food..as I stupidly love to eat munchies in at the wrong hours in life.breakfast at 11/12 ,lunch at 5,dinner at 10, and all involve strange combinations of nutrients. When I am good I am very very good and when I am bad I am horrid...hmm where do I know that from?
Its 10.55 p.m. and I have not long been in. Today I visited 31 pubs around the villages of Brentwood and Chelmsford. Unfortunately this did not involve one iccle drop of beverage passing through me other than in a loo or a ribena lite I grabbed from the Bakers. I have a new job doing marketing P.R. for a wholesale company which fits in sweeeeet with other work/can go out at random times to fit in the agenda
I havnt moved yet.
The time is near.
...so the soliciters say
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsay no more
Good things at the moment are
....?...
Will do that next blog
am feeling tired and ratty so sleep ..erm that seems like a good thing.Yer lovely duvet is beckoning.
Well I have made a start.
Will enter some photos and frolics when I work out such complexities
And Franny /Chris..do you know how sorry and gutted I am to have not done Friday. Actually had an evil mood to counteract after babysitter blow out, the person responsible has just lost my respect and been asked to get herself a new room to freeload elsewhere.
 I bid u farewell for now
kisses and nice wishes to all
x

Current Mood: sleepy